Trust for the things you lack.

I am not very brave. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. I'm afraid of missing God's plan for my life. I'm afraid of change. Sometimes I think that it's not very fair that I didn't have a choice about being born. I just have to suck it up and be brave and live anyways. Not only do I have to live, I have to live well. Does this sound crazy? I'm okay if it does. All I'm trying to say, I guess is that growing up is hard and I think everyone should get more credit.
Tonight God and I sat on the steps in the cool air and discussed somethings. I told Him I wished that somehow I could make my parents proud and Him proud too. And then I wonder, do I at least bring joy to His heart? I need God to provide for me. Right now, I don't feel like He is; I just feel constantly worried. And sometimes I feel so pinned down. I hear that God offers freedom, but I don't experience it often. I feel like such a failure when actually I am a beloved child with a beautiful heart. How will I ever grasp these truths? I feel like there is no rest for me anywhere in the future. Today I picked up Lesli and Christian, Glenwood kids, to go to a marathon downtown and they needed breakfast, so I bought them some, but instead of cheerfully giving what God had graciously given me, I was so worried that I wouldn't have money later because I had spent it this morning. I was caught in this strange pull of knowing I should give, but feeling so overcome by the weight of money. And then, I was like, will this be my life? I will never have much money. Will this be a constant worry? Will I ever be able to give and not worry that my giving will break me? My parents tell my sisters not to be like me, because I chose a profession that will cause me to be poor.(out of a heart of wanting me to be well taken care of...) I have never worried before that I wouldn't have what I needed, but for the first time, today, a sudden panic hit me.
Laura Jo and I talked today about how we have this dual identity of materialism, and God's promise to provide along with his command to give. I was reading in Mark tonight and in Mark 10:24 Jesus says, "Children, how hard it is for those who trust in riches to enter the kingdom of God." This really hit me, because who doesn't trust in riches? We think that without money, we will be lost. I still am trying to process through all of this. I am broken hearted that right now I am not able to believe that God will provide for me, that I am struggling with this concept of money.

"Lord, I believe; help my unbelief."


"Of flesh and its false emotions I have quite had my fill. Of Jesus I cannot seem to get enough. Thank God, though, He does not thwart the soul's desire for Himself, but only whets the desire, intensifying, sublimating."
-Jim Elliot