Saturday, March 21, 2009

God is so faithful to remind me that he has my life under control. I've been so preoccupied with finding a job and I've been really emotional about it. I'm not very brave and I very much hate change. I know that whatever happens after graduation my life will change. It is inevitable. I just always enjoy my life so much that I can't even imagine change being a good thing.

Last weekend I tried to go as a chaperon to the men's varsity basketball game. I needed an extracurricular activity to go to, and since we were in the championship, this seemed like a good event to attend. I emailed the athletic director and he said that they didn't need another chaperon. Saturday afternoon, my friend Crystal who student teaches with me called me to tell me that I could go on the bus, I just won't have my ticket paid for by the school. Once I got to the school one of the staff had an extra ticket that she gave to me. So not only did I get to go to an extracurricular event, I got my ticket paid for. As I sat on the bus of screaming teenagers, I began to think about how God had provided for me in such a simple way. (Later on this trip, I went and sat on the back of the bus with the tough kids. As I got up to move to the back of the bus to attempt at crowd control, one boy turned to me and said, "Ms. Jackson, if you go to the back of the bus, you won't come back." I think he was serious; good thing I'm scrappy.)

Another example of God's reminders of his hand on my life happened at IV. I was sitting at IV during worship and I began to think about all my worries. I need a job by August and it just seems really impossible right now. Crystal says that whenever she's struggling with something, God shows her a penny to pick up, like a reminder that he will provide for her. I was sitting there, struggling through my trust issues with God when my roommate, who was standing behind me tapes me on the shoulder. She handed me a penny. She didn't say anything, she didn't know anything I was thinking, she didn't hand it to the kid sitting next to her. It was as if God was saying, I will take care of you.

And so, I will continue to pray for trust as I begin this new part of my life. I will also pray that I can enjoy these last few weeks of my college undergraduate.

Listening to: All American Rejects

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I love when my students come in at the end of the day, even though the have no reason to be there. It means they feel safe.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I have gone into a pro/con list craze.

I am tired of people saying that teachers have job security. They don't anymore, and that shows you how bad our economy really is. I am researching which other counties in which to apply since Guilford County is in a hiring freeze. [Thus the visual.] I just really want to trust that God will put me where he wants me, and that I won't be in a log cabin in the backwoods on NC, alone. And if that ends up to be the case, that there will be purpose to it.

Friday, March 6, 2009

I confess that I very much want a dog, and a cat...and a baby.

Okay, maybe we'll hold off on that baby part since there are some vital things missing. Like maturity and the willingness to give up my life and...a husband.z

Minor details friends, but I suppose that I should stick to puppies and cats.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Hershey's Kisses and my first born child

I'm watching the sun sink slowly down into the west. The sky is rosey and things are silhouetted and delicious. I'm so ready to throw open my window and welcome warm, fresh air into my room.

Today during reading, Ca asked me if I planned on having children. I wasn't quite sure how to answer. But he proceeded to ask me that if I had children, I would name one of them after him. I'm not really at that stage in my life, but we'll see...

After school, I walked down the hall only to have the janitor, Mr. McLamb run after me. He handed me a bag with about 7 Hershey's Kisses in it and told me that he was giving them to all the teachers on the hall. I thanked him and as I turned I began blinking very quickly to brush back the tears that were coming. I needed encouragement and who would have thought that an unexpected gift would be coming my way. God is so gracious to encourage us when we need it.

It's just about time for me to walk to campus for IV.

currently listening to: One Red Thread, Blind Pilot

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

a wise friend reminded me

that sometimes God only asks us to plant a seed and sometimes we never get to see the results.

And I am also reminded that I can only see my little string of the plan that God has for all of eternity, which makes me fairly short sighted.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

"You feel safer to cling to a sorry past than to trust in a new future. So you fill your hands with small clammy coins which you don't want to surrender...don't be afraid of him who wants to enter that space where you live, or to let him see what you are clinging to so anxiously. Don't be afraid to show him the clammy coin which will buy so little anyway." - Henri Nouwen

Dear God--

When I live with open hands, I can not only give things up, but accept what you have for me. But right now, I am one frustrated individual. I feel so floaty, so future-less. I am trying very much to keep my hands open. "Nothing I have is yours" so easily slips out when I dearly want to want to say the opposite. I don't want that selfishness to be my heart. I want to keep my hands open, not grasping blindly, desperately to what I think is mine. I am terrified currently. My students aren't mine, my job is non-existent thus far, I have no home for next year, I am not graduating to "marital bliss" and many of my friends will be moving on. Please give me the faith that you will work things out because somehow you live me and somehow you've written me into your grand plan.

currently listening to: Joe Pug, Hymn #101