The down side of high school

Please give me consistency and strength, along with wisdom and patience, heart and never ending love. And remind me that I need you. And God, remind me that can't fix broken hearts. I can't help but wonder, as my heart is broken over and over for the hearts of my kids, what happens to those who are sent to preach the good news, to bind up the broken hearted, proclaiming freedom and light. As I live a life of a medic, rushing into the bloody, dying masses, I can't help but wonder what will happen to my heart as I face the carnage around me. I cried for my kids Thursday night, grieving for their hearts and minds that have been so unvalued and have been filled with lies and heartbreak. So what happens to me, God? Remind me that only you can bear the weight of my soul. Only you can fill me.




currently listening to: Jealous Enemies, Dark Captain Light Captain

As I sit here, wishing for one more lazy day, I can think of all the things I'd do on a snow day. It would be delightful.

I'd better not get my hopes up.

For now, I will go to Tate St and plan like tomorrow will come. (:

A bad hair day can be a good regular day.

I'm sitting on my bedroom floor. When I sit on the floor and look out the windows, it feels like a tree house. I can see the sky and the tops of trees and houses. It's a safe, content feeling. It has been a productive day. I still have things to accomplish like making more worksheets for my chillins and straightening up my room a bit, etc, but I am quite content right now. My second week is over with student teaching. This week I learned a bit about tough love and having a tough skin. Not fun lessons, but I know that in the end, those are things that every teacher must be acquainted with. I sent an email this morning saying that I couldn't tutor the Glenwood kids this semester. I can't explain the loss I feel in that regard. I don't even leave the school til five most days, and then it's a thirty minute ride home.

I was reading in Isaiah 40 today.

25 “ To whom then will you liken Me,
Or to whom shall I be equal?” says the Holy One.

26 Lift up your eyes on high,
And see who has created these things,
Who brings out their host by number;
He calls them all by name,
By the greatness of His might
And the strength of His power;
Not one is missing.

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
And speak, O Israel:

“ My way is hidden from the LORD,

And my just claim is passed over by my God”?

28 Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.

29 He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.

30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,

31 But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Over and over, God calls us to wait on him. This morning I couldn't help but wondering, "How long? Til what?" but God never says that. He just says to wait. I'm such a control freak that open endedness disturbs me.

I need to go change the light bulb in my lamp.

Today in the teacher lounge Madison, Crystal and I had a dance party to the techno music coming over the loud speaker that signified the change of classes. It's my planning period and I have been copying and planning and making worksheets. I am very worn out, but week two has come to an end. I begin full teach on the 30th. I cannot wait.

I want nothing more than to find a warm comfortable corner in a coffee shop.


currently listening to: Lydia

"We look for visions of heaven, for earthquakes, and thunders of God's power and we never dream that all the time God is in the commonplace things and people around us." - Oswald Chambers

Lessons from High School: The Art of an Unsuspecting Compliment

Today the kids were talking about the classes that they sleep in the most. Ca said that he said that he slept in Strategic Reading the most and so Mr. Willoughby said that he shouldn't have said that because now we knew to watch him. Ca responded, "Well, I used to sleep in this class but I haven't been able to ever since Ms. Jackson came because she's always bugging me."

He didn't mean it as a compliment, but I took it as so.

God is really good to me and I am so grateful.

Maybe I'll expand on that later.

In other news, my students asked me why I was so short yesterday, so obviously we are tackling very important things in English class. (:

Teachers work really hard. So hard that at 8:20, I am hopping in the shower, picking out my clothes for tomorrow and going to bed.


On the upside, I think that at the end of every day, no matter how crappy, deep down in my heart, I will know that what I am doing is meaningful.

I'm not as melancholy as this sounds.

The only boy I ever dated is married as of Saturday.

I am not sad, or bitter, because I am glad that I didn't marry him. I'm just in awe of the marriage phenomenon.

It seems so unreal that people my age are married.

Maybe some day I will get it and it won't seem so fake and crazy.

In the meantime, I will keep being happy for everyone else as they enter into their relationships, engagements and marriages, because that's what good friends do. And I will continue to leave the curling iron on and my hair half fixed as I run out of the house to go see the latest ring on my friends' left hand ring finger. And I will keep smiling every time they attempt to console me with platitudes, even though I didn't ask or want for consolation.

Platitudes are close to platypuses, only I think that platypuses are more fun. Why can't people give me platypuses instead?



PS. Married and engaged and relationed friends, I hope you don't take this personally.

My 2009 To Do List (so far):

Learn to paint my nails
Master mascara
Graduate
Go backpacking
Get my "first" job
"Grow up and become an adult"
Become a better money manager
Move into Glenwood
Get a dog
Learn more of what it means to love like Jesus and to have a heart broken for people
Listen better, to God and to people



I'm sure as I keep thinking, I'll come up with more.