Nooooooooooooooooo...

I forgot to put in earings for the second day in a row. My ears are so, so naked.

post number: three hundred and twenty

I have this strange juxtaposition that has perched on my heart of wanting summer so fiercely, and wishing that this school year would never end because today I have this wild, unexplainable love for both teaching and my students.


currently listening to: When Your Mind's Made Up, Glen Hansard and Markita Irglova

"Some people care too much. I think it's called love." - A.A Milne

Today in 6th period, one of my kids came in to class. Normally he’s running around, and chatting with people, causing general mayhem. Today he was white as a sheet. His eyes were barely open. He looked terrible, and I was really worried. I passed out the quizzes and when I gave him his, I asked him if he wanted to take it later. He told me that he didn’t want to, so I said he could try it later. A few minutes later he got mad at me, and wanted to know why I took his quiz before he was done. I gave it back to him, but then he put his head down. I had told him he could. I went over to see if I could help him, but he got mad at me part two. I don’t know if he was high or sick, or what but the whole time I was teaching I could only be concerned. I had this terrible pit of fear in my stomach because I didn't know what was wrong, and there was nothing I could do.

After school I called his Mom to tell her that he was sick.

And then I thought about it and realized how much I love my students. How I would do anything to help them if they would let me. Today M. wouldn’t let me help him, instead he got angry and told me that he just wanted to be left alone and that I always sneered at him when I got upset. I was only acting out of genuine concern. And I realized the difficulty with loving people: it’s scary to really care about people because you can’t control them. All you can control is yourself but when you love someone with God’s heart, you don’t choose to love them, you just do.

I just hope the kid’s okay. And on Monday I’ll care for him the same as if he hadn’t snapped at me. My job is to love my students, regardless of whether they are ever kind or respectful back.

Tough.

Today was terrrribbleeee! I can say that now with a smile because I am safely in my bed with my cat.

What got me though, amongst all the downers of today was a gift placed on my desk in 2nd period. I had almost forgotten it.

The card read, "Thanks for everything. I had a great year. I'll make sure to try and stop by next year when I'm in college. I saw this and thought you'd love it to pieces. Also red is a good color for you, so enjoy. You're one in a million and don't you forget that, okay? And I don't say that about a lot of teachers. Sincerely, S."

A note as unorthodox as the girl who placed it on my desk. When I opened the package, there was a shirt. A strange teacher gift, to be sure. The shirt said "nineteen eighty four: George Orwell" and it was made by a company called Out of Print Clothing. For every shirt you buy, they send a book to a community in need. She was right; a concept I love.

And so, dear reader, I can shake off all the bad.

Oh, how to describe the place of my heart?

As I sit here in the quiet, coolness processing my week, the words of Relient K come to mind:

I throw up my hands, oh the impossibilities, frustrated and tired, where do I go from here?

These past 8 months feel like an experiment. An experiment drummed up by God for the testing of my faith. I can't honestly say that I like feeling like a part of a cosmic experiment. I've noticed that when I feel that my life isn't where is should be, my tendency is to assume that God is just testing my character which is something that I've begun to resent. I begin to think that God is just trying to see how strong I am, or how long it will take for me to learn whatever lesson he has for me at this stage in my life. I find myself questioning the true heart of God behind the life path that he has for me. Or what if this isn't what he has for me at all, and I'm missing it.

I am worn out from teaching. I have reached the end of myself. As EOCs approach, I find that the administration is "sweating" me (as the kids say these days). Today I even had someone come into my classroom, and upon seeing that I only had 5 kids in my 9th grade class send me to the cafeteria to look for skipping kids. They are constantly in my classroom now, criticizing the way I have structured class. I find all this frustrating since I have been asking for help in this class since January and until now I seem to have fallen through the cracks. At this point in the semester, having "extra help" is not a help, it's an additional stress.

In addition to the "support", I find myself feeling very wearing of being over-scrutinized by my students. It would seem that I can't breath without someone having an opinion. An example of this is that the other day one of my students asked if I went on dates. I was a bit thrown for a loop, but I managed to default back to "that's personal." Her response was to inform the class that that means no. The irony of this is that students ask me all the time about my "boyfriend" and because I never give an answer, they still assume that I have one. I guess the reason that this stuck with me so is because it's the truth. Another day this week, two of my boys were making fun of my facial expressions and hand motions, which I happen to have no control over. Still I found myself growing self-conscious in small group as I shared my thoughts on Sunday's sermon. I know that that is high school, but I am still a young and fairly impressionable person. I cannot pretend that comments made don't affect me. I am not yet impermeable. I do not yet know how to distance myself emotionally from teaching. I don't really have anything else to focus on.

I am reminded that my posture should be to dwell daily in the Lord's presence so he can tell me what HE thinks of me, but it seems that he is quietly whispering his truths underneath while everyone else shouts their opinions colorfully. Luke 13 talks about how Jesus longed to gather Jerusalem under his wings like a mother hen.

I want to be gathered, to be cared for, to be comforted, to be given a place to rest.

As always, I apologize for the deficiency of cohesive thought. How desperately I need summer and the ocean to swim in. Alas, the time is not yet; I need to go to bed because tomorrow, bright and early, I am helping to lead an EOC review session. Saturday, you are but a lovely illusion this week.



currently listening to: Time Stops, Explosions in the Sky

Wise words from Madeleine L'Engle--

We need to be forgiven:
to be forgiven in this time when fish are dying in our rivers; in this time of poison gas dumped on the ocean floor and in the less and less breathable air of our cities, of children starving; being burned to death in wars which stumble on; being attacked by rats in their cribs...

we need to be forgiven in this grey atmosphere which clogs the lungs to that we cannot breathe, and breathless, spiritless, can no longer discern what is write and what is wrong, what is our right hand and what is our left, what is justice and what is tyranny, what is life and what is death. I heard a man of brilliance cry out that God has withdrawn from nations when they have turned from Him, and surely we are a stiff-necked people; why should He not withdraw?

But then I remember Jonah accusing God of overlenience, of selfishness, mercy and compassion.

We desperately need the foolishness of God.

I have realized that people have character based on the condition of their heart. I can ask students all day to show kindness, or respect or discipline, or honesty but unless their hearts are tamed by the mercy of the Holy Spirit, how I can I really expect that they would be able to understand those character traits? If there is no belief in God, or a higher power at least to hold them to a moral code, why should I expect any amount of decency?