Loss

Every few months I feel as though I write the same thing. God, for years has been challenging me to live "with open hands" (as Henri J.M. Nouwen would put it.)

I have this unshakable sense of loss. as of late. My heart only feels sad. I made a list in my journal the other day of people that I feel like I have lost or am losing to one thing or another. (There were like 8 people on that list.) Life is inconsistent in that way. To me, this period of loss, this journey began on August 1st with the death of my cat Bobbi who I'd had since I was in 4th grade. This was just breaking me in, because on August 18 my Papa lost his fight with cancer. Obviously this was much more serious. When I heard that news, I turned off all the lights and just sat in the dark crying, til a good friend came to find me.

I dealt with loss again, in an entirely different way on October 4 when my roommate's youngest brother died suddenly. This was unlike anything I'd ever experienced and though I hadn't met C. , I cried off and on for days. I even broke down and cried in one of my classes. I still feel at a loss for how to comfort K. as she goes through each day without him.

Those are just the physical deaths of this past year. There are other losses that I've experienced through friendships, and others that are to come. Some of these are still to fresh and painful to share. They take the form of friends moving (on), friends becoming, friends marrying. Even this year Spring Garden, the church I've been a part of since I moved to Greensboro 6 years ago, lost it's pastor.

I can't wait to get to Heaven when I will be able to view relationships rightly and it won't be such a struggle to not hold onto people so fiercely. If only I were so jealous of my relationship with God as I am with people.

I echo Nouwen as I pray "Please help me to open my hands and to discover that I am not what I own, but what you want to give me. And what you want to give me is love, unconditional love."

Oh Father, set my heart free to run after you.