Oh, how to describe the place of my heart?

As I sit here in the quiet, coolness processing my week, the words of Relient K come to mind:

I throw up my hands, oh the impossibilities, frustrated and tired, where do I go from here?

These past 8 months feel like an experiment. An experiment drummed up by God for the testing of my faith. I can't honestly say that I like feeling like a part of a cosmic experiment. I've noticed that when I feel that my life isn't where is should be, my tendency is to assume that God is just testing my character which is something that I've begun to resent. I begin to think that God is just trying to see how strong I am, or how long it will take for me to learn whatever lesson he has for me at this stage in my life. I find myself questioning the true heart of God behind the life path that he has for me. Or what if this isn't what he has for me at all, and I'm missing it.

I am worn out from teaching. I have reached the end of myself. As EOCs approach, I find that the administration is "sweating" me (as the kids say these days). Today I even had someone come into my classroom, and upon seeing that I only had 5 kids in my 9th grade class send me to the cafeteria to look for skipping kids. They are constantly in my classroom now, criticizing the way I have structured class. I find all this frustrating since I have been asking for help in this class since January and until now I seem to have fallen through the cracks. At this point in the semester, having "extra help" is not a help, it's an additional stress.

In addition to the "support", I find myself feeling very wearing of being over-scrutinized by my students. It would seem that I can't breath without someone having an opinion. An example of this is that the other day one of my students asked if I went on dates. I was a bit thrown for a loop, but I managed to default back to "that's personal." Her response was to inform the class that that means no. The irony of this is that students ask me all the time about my "boyfriend" and because I never give an answer, they still assume that I have one. I guess the reason that this stuck with me so is because it's the truth. Another day this week, two of my boys were making fun of my facial expressions and hand motions, which I happen to have no control over. Still I found myself growing self-conscious in small group as I shared my thoughts on Sunday's sermon. I know that that is high school, but I am still a young and fairly impressionable person. I cannot pretend that comments made don't affect me. I am not yet impermeable. I do not yet know how to distance myself emotionally from teaching. I don't really have anything else to focus on.

I am reminded that my posture should be to dwell daily in the Lord's presence so he can tell me what HE thinks of me, but it seems that he is quietly whispering his truths underneath while everyone else shouts their opinions colorfully. Luke 13 talks about how Jesus longed to gather Jerusalem under his wings like a mother hen.

I want to be gathered, to be cared for, to be comforted, to be given a place to rest.

As always, I apologize for the deficiency of cohesive thought. How desperately I need summer and the ocean to swim in. Alas, the time is not yet; I need to go to bed because tomorrow, bright and early, I am helping to lead an EOC review session. Saturday, you are but a lovely illusion this week.



currently listening to: Time Stops, Explosions in the Sky