Why can't you just trust God?

Well, it does seem to be a bad habit of mine to blog when it is absolutely trivial. But, to give myself some credit, I just got back from the high school and I am cooking lunch. I guess I am allowed a few down moments before I pack all my earthly belongings up and go to campus til 8.

I am wearing a strange sweater. I'm always worried to wear it, but today I decided to put on my Lorelei Gilmore sense of being and just wear what I want to. Proudly. But, believe it or not, this sweater, delightful as it may be, is not the reason for my blogging today.

Whenever the Israelites had something they needed to remember, God would have them build an altar to be a physical reminder of what He had done in their lives. Sometimes I think of blogging as a linguistic altar, of sorts. I would like to take a moment to record what God has done in my life over the past four years to bring to where I am today, as a Senior.

When I was a Freshmen, I began to tutor across the street in a neighborhood called Glenwood. This neighborhood isn't as affluent as other parts of Greensboro, in fact many people are afraid of it. I had friends warning me not to go to Glenwood. Fortunately, I didn't listen because I really didn't know any better and if I had, I have no idea what God would have done differently. God doesn't write stories of would beens, so I will never know that. ALL I know is that I found myself in a room full of children, vastly different than I am, and so completely alike. I fell in love. As began to tutor, I began to realize that so many of the kids had trouble reading. Originally, I came to college to get a degree in Psychology. I was going to become a psychologist, or a lawyer, or a librarian and make my parents proud with my brains and money making capabilities. God changed my heart, and after working with the kids for a few months, I changed my major to English, secondary education. (I am cooking lunch and I most definitely cannot find a single cooking spoon, I have no idea where my roommates have put them, so I am definitely cooking noodles with a whisk, which is ridiculous and so funny.) As I went along, I had more and more experiences with the neighborhood and spring break Sophomore year, we spent the week in the neighborhood. My friends, Nicole and Veronica and I decided that when we graduated, we wanted to move in. Jesus modeled a life of simplicity and gave up Heaven to come and live among the poor in spirit, and well the physically poor, because let's face it, He come from Heaven. If you read the Bible, and take it seriously, you see how serious God is about justice and how we should care for the poor. Cities are such unique places where people are forced to come into contact all the time, how much more a neighborhood. And when you live in a place intentionally, people want to know why. I have this vision of sitting on the hypothetical porch and having conversations with neighbors passing by, and children* sitting at the table doing homework, and taking walks to pray for the going ons of Glenwood. So now, I am graduating in May and I actually can move into Glenwood and I can finally get a teaching job.

* Here's a visual aid of the children I love so dearly.



But of course there was a wrench. And the wrench was me. (That sentence is epic.Like "I am the Walrus".) Let me explain. Senior year rolls around, and I am living it, and so I began to make lists of all the things I could do. You know, teach in Kenya, go on staff with InterVarsity, Go hold orphan babies somewhere. All my life I have been interested in missions and ministry and I just wasn't sure where God was leading. Then I remembered something that I'd found last summer when I couldn't go to Kenya for the summer and I was looking for alternatives. It was called the Pink House, in Fresno, California through InterVarsity and it was a ten month internship in Urban ministry. I was in California for fall break and Fresno is 30 minutes away from where I was born/where I was going for a wedding and so Mom and I dropped by the Pink House. It was very spur of the moment so they didn't know we were coming, and after asking directions from firemen and other such upstanding citizens, we found our way. Perhaps you know that I am not a spur of the moment girl. I am a planner, and I lists. We pulled into the parking lot and I wasn't prepared to go knock on the door, because it wasn't in my planner, and I sat there for a minute when I realized that I will never be in Fresno again and so I went and knocked. No one answered the door, so Mom and I proceeded to the wedding. At the wedding, Mom mentioned to Kim (Mother of the bride, Mom's best friend.) that we'd been to the Pink House and Kim got excited because the who was emceeing for the wedding had just finished his internship year at the Pink House. Perhaps you know that I am very reluctant to talk to boys that I don't know. I have two sisters, and I am really good at talking to girls, and I just have never seen the need to branch out. I guess I've gotten better since coming to college, but that is beside the point. The point is, I didn't want to talk to this boy. So I didn't. But when I got back to Grandma and Grandpa's I printed off the application and filled it out on the plane and I was certain that I would get the internship.

But then I made a pro/con list. Fresno, California vs. Greensboro, North Carolina. Do you know who won? Pokey, dear Greensboro won by a landslide. This made me very confused. I went home that weekend and I was very quiet, which worried Dad, so he asked if I wanted to talk. I pulled out my pro/con list and held it out to him. Dad looked it over quietly, and said, "Well do you want an adventure, or do you want to stay where you are." And I realized in that moment that no matter what I chose, it would be an adventure. I realized that out of all the people in InterVarsity that shared about the mission trips they went on over the summer, that when Joey shared about living in Glenwood for the summer and how around 11 kids accepted Christ this summer at Glenwood camp, I had tears falling down my face then because my heart is with those people and my heart is in this city. God has set me up so beautifully for next year, I have an internship where I will hopefully get a job teaching and I have friends who want to room with me in Glenwood, I have relationships with people in the neighborhood already blooming, and I have a church here. I realized that in California, I didn't want to knock on the door and I didn't want to talk to the boy and if the Pink House had been something that I really wanted to do, I would have. I started tell all this to Dad and he looked me in the eyes and said, "Well...why can't you just trust God?" That question has rolled in my mind. Why can't I just trust God?

When I was a little girl, I guess middle school, I was so sure that God had called me to be a missionary in China. I don't really know about all that anymore. I do know that God has called me to be a light wherever I am and that America is just as needy for God's heart as any other country. Maybe in a few years, God will finally allow me to go overseas, but for now I am so excited to see how God will move. I just try to think of it as a year at a time. For next year, you will find me down the road. There are things I need to trust God about for next year and I cannot wait to see how He will move to provide all that I can imagine and more.

I don't know where you are right now, or what you're struggling with, but I challenge you to talk to God about it. He is trust-worthy and He will make Himself known if you seek Him with your whole heart.




currently listening to: The Pernice Brothers, Clear Spot
real time: 11:53 AM