God's heart and ideas of marriage

Katie, Angie, Sarah and Rachel and I just watched Kite Runner. It was so beautifully filmed and I loved it but my heart was so sad the entire time. The end stood out to me most, when Amir sat down on the steps talking to Sohrab, he tells Sohrab, "I'm not going to hurt you." I just thought that it was a beautiful picture of God's heart for us. We come with our hurts and baggage and mistrust and God says, "I'm not going to hurt you." and He puts His metaphorical arm around us and loves us. Then there's the last scene where Amir and Sohrab are flying the kite and they get into a kite fight and they win, and Amir asks Sohrab if he wants him to go get the kite that they've conquered. Sohrab says yes, and Amir takes off running over the hill to get the kite for the boy that he loves, saying, "for you, a thousand times."Again, I just think that that is God's heart for us. "For you, a thousand times."

Switching gears here. This is something that I've been thinking about for quite some time and have had many a lively conversation about. It's this idea of marriage and women and really, is that all there is for us? Because so, so many girls come to college expecting to find the love of their life and expecting to get married as soon as they graduate. I expected that, and so when my first and only boyfriend and I broke up at the end of Freshman year, I felt like such a failure. And then as time went on, I began to get very worried. You see, I am a planner, and my time table was being messed with. I think the conversation must have gone something like this: "Hey God, it's Emily. I think you missed the memo...See, I am supposed to be married after I graduate and in order to do that, I need to be dating someone, so if you could just get that, I'd really appreciate it." I think God must have replied: " Hey Emily, it's God. I think you missed the memo...See, you don't actually get to decide things like that, and I love you dearly and so things will happen in my time, not yours, so get comfortable." I'm not knocking marriage after graduation, exactly.

I'm just asking if there's something more for women than to make babies. Please, don't get me wrong, I want to be a wife and mother very much so. BUT I will not settle on that. Let me think of what I'm trying to say. I guess so many girls just assume that their ministry and lives won't really begin until they find a man. That is so silly to me. God made girls with just as much to give to the world as any boy, and I wish I saw more girls with passion and heart. I wish I saw more girls who were intersting in finding out who they are in Christ, apart from a guy. I really heard girls say that they wanted to transfer from UNCG because there were no boys. I haven't found a man here, but I have grown by leaps and bounds here, and I have become so much more of myself than I could have ever dreamed. I have the hardest time believing that the only thing a girl wants to do is get married and pop out babies. I think that at some point, those girls will look back and be disapointed.

I am tired of single girls lamenting their desire to "just get married. to just have kids" I admit, this comes out of my mouth from time to time, but I think that marriage and babies hinge on having a man, and why should the only thing I'm made for be hinged on something that I don't have, and could possibly never have. I think, friends, that there is something that I, Emily Susanna Jackson, am specifically made to do; made by the Creator of the Universe to do. Not that God needs me, but He is willing and pleased to use me, and I don't want to miss that!

I am tired of people telling me that I will have to drop my passions and my way of serving God when I get married to back my husband and to support his way of serving God. I don't think that makes me inflexible, I think that makes me more committed to God than to marriage. But you know what I was just thinking about. A conversation that I had my Senior year of high school. I remember telling someone that I just wanted to get married and support my husband. Is this the same girl? I like to think I've grown a bit.

Personally, I'd like to serve God with someone, not watch them. I was having a conversation with a friend about to be married and he was telling me about the exciting ministry he was about to begin, and I asked what his wife-to-be would be doing once they got married, and his response was, "She will be my wife." I'm just glad that I wasn't marrying that kid.

I have this idea that if we all begin to do what God has for us, that God will meet us there and provide for our needs, whether that's through a spouse or through allowing us to deal with our single-ness. I have this idea that when we get married, our marriage should make the Kingdom of God better, and allow us to serve God in ways we couldn't before, not end my ministry as a woman. Idealistic? I hope not.

We will not be made complete by marriage, we can be made complete only through Christ, and we cannot forget that. We place so much stock in marriage, instead of in Christ. I place so much stock in marriage, instead of in Christ. I get so frustrated with myself, but that's another story. [The story of how I do not think I should be allowed to be human. That may get told some time.] CS Lewis says in The Great Divorce, "Human beings can't make one another really happy for long... You cannot love a fellow-creature fully till you love God." It's true.

I feel like this has made me seem very iron hearted. I don't mean to be. I know that I am a UNCG girl, and we tend to be rather independent, mainly because we have to be. I don't know if I expressed quite the sentiment I meant to. I think that marriage is very beautiful, and very God given, and difficult and worthwhile. I think that the ability of a wife to support her husband is beautiful, and that Eve was created, to encourage and to be Adam's help. I'd like to dream that that help isn't just cooking dinner and washing laundry, although those things may be part of it. Every girl wants to be a wife and a mother, we're made that way. My question is, what else were you made to do? Before you rush off to buy the latest Bridal magazine, and think about how you hope you have less girlfriends by the time you get married or your bridal party will be ginormous, just think about that.


PS. Boys, marriage is not the only thing girls talk about when then get together. Due to this post, I felt like I should debunk that.

currently listening to: Watashi Wa

edit:[It was brought to my attention that Cameron's name wasn't in my blog, therefore, I am fixing this.] Cameron Clarke was the best neighbor ever and when he moved to California my heart broke about a million times. In addition to Cameron leaving, his girlfriend Erin also moved out there too. Next year, instead of going to class, I will spend my time sitting in my room looking out towards California, as a way of mourning what NC lost. Someone has to recognize.