[un]belief.

School starts next week.

I won't be going back. Not as a student, and not as a teacher. This is because I graduated and because I can't get a job. I can't really quite explain how I feel, and when I try people give me trite answers. I've been looking for a job since February, alas, and people don't get what it feels like to spend every day of your summer calling people and sending them emails and sitting in their offices only to be rejected over and over.

AND I'm not really sure what to do with this information. I have some options.

A. curse the economy, curl up in a ball and die.
B. curse my lack of experience, throw myself off a bridge.
C. curse whatever else could have hindered my procuring a job, stay in bed, eat and watch silly movies (like a break up with school.)

But really, viable as those may [not] be, those aren't options.

I am very unsure of what to do next. I never really thought that I'd been in this position. I guess because I thought that I was sure that this was what God had for me, this all would have happened faster. Waiting is painful and confusing.Perhaps, when Mr. Willoughby told me I should just get a waitressing job because the economy was too doomed, I should have listened. I didn't though, because I believed that God had a purpose for my life. I believed that I was good at teaching and that while I might not change the world, I could change English for maybe one kid. I believed that kids needed someone who was on their side, believed that they were capable of succeeding and believed that they were vastly precious. I believed that high school kids were capable of discussion and that they were growing, changing, becoming their own selves and that English would connect them to their souls and help them discover themselves and the world around them.


Here I am though. Unemployed despite all the beliefs.

I confess, it's hard for me to believe that God knows the plans he has for me and that they are good. I dropped Chelsea off at college today and as I drove down Elm St,trees reaching for each other over the street shaded by beautiful buildings, in my summer city of Greensboro, I confess too, that I cried.

[edit: By summer city, I simply mean that the city's my favorite in the city. It brings a lazy, friendly, warm feeling in the summer.]

I love that city. I want to see God at work there. I want to see redemption at work in a way I never have before. Still I have been separated from all that. And I can't seem to get connected to where I have been placed. I know that there's a bigger picture that has to do with God's kingdom and his glory. I just want to know where/if/how I fit in because right now I don't see that I do.

I'm looking for God in all of this.



"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (mark 9:24)


currently listening to: Hanson (shut up; it makes me feel better.)