I am re-reading two books currently. I was trying to read War and Peace, but it's just not holding my interest 150 pages in and there are 1636 pages. Maybe someday I will try again. I have the want but I just feel so distracted. So I've decided to go back to two good ones that I know I like and that are relatively fast reads: Sex God by Rob Bell and Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.
I went on my roof tonight and looked for meteors, but I think the street like messed that up. I do a lot of thinking on my roof. It's quiet and still and removed from the world. I can just be. I've been thinking about friendships lately. It seems like when I get close to guys, I end up just being frustrated with where I end up. I get jealous. I jump to conclusions and am paranoid. I say and do ridiculous things. Rob Bell in the first chapter of Sex God talks about lust. The type of lust that he talks about is more like physical lust, but I submit humbly and reluctantly that I too lust, though not usually physically. I lust emotionally. I desire someone to be there for me. I desire someone to prefer me over else. I want to be thought of as beautiful, smart and wonderful. I get jealous because I assume that when my guy friends hang out with another girl, they will like her better than me, and they will want to hang out with her more than me. I become paranoid because I suspect that there are always more engaging girls than I and that my friends would prefer to be with her.
I think that lust is a form of idolatry. Wanting support, or love isn't bad, but when it becomes your focus, your false infinite and your god, it is.
We all have lies about ourselves that we believe. I have several. They all center on how I am not enough. Not good enough, not special enough, not beautiful enough; in every way imaginable, inadequate. I have freakishly high expectations of myself. I am completely able to be gracious to you, but for me, from me- there is no such thing as grace. I expect perfection, thus I will never be enough. It might be oldest child complex, whatever it is, it's crazy.
The truth about me? On my own, I am terrible and horrible. Through Christ, I am redeemed, treasured, beloved and enough.
I know that all I need is in Christ, but I still seek for affirmation from people, and from boys. It's like my soul is crying, "Tell me that I am enough!"
There's no life in that, no hope.
I repent from that. And I apologize for placing the weight of my soul on my brothers.
I don't quite know how to approach relationships with guys I guess, but I suppose I can begin by being more guarded. I don't know what else to do.
[Some day, maybe I will get married and it will be a little different, but Father, I ask that I never place anything over you. You alone will have my heart. Help it to be like yours. Help me to love you more. I'm sorry that my heart is so easily distracted and restless. I want to trust and love you. Help me to trust you with my life.]
Listening to: The Luckiest, Ben Folds
current time: 1:32 AM
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2 comments:
I am obviously not a woman, but as much as a guy can feel that way in the opposite direction I have.
It is hard because as a single guy I want to have someone to care for and about me, and for me to care about and for.
Also I want to care for and enjoy my relationships with my sisters until God gives me a relationship like that. Trying for that balance is hard.
But I will say that one of my goals is to let my sisters know that they are worth it, but I don't want to date all of them (another difficult balancing act). I don't want any of my sisters to settle for a guy later in life because they have not felt worth it.
But then I never think my sisters goal could be similar so I find myself having to avoid thoughts similar to what you described. I have vision and desires for my friends good, but I rarely think they do, I need to work on that.
As un-perfect as it is working to make God first and working to rejoice in the times my friends (all of them, thought it is more of a discipline for relationships with women) do something that makes me happy or feel valued and ignore and grant the benefit of the doubt when they don't.
Easier to say than do, and when I do I am happier. But I still find myself being jealous of other people, and frustrated at the number of women who have told me I would make a great boyfriend while few if any seem interested in me being theirs.
Luckily God gives us grace, and our friends give us grace beyond what we deserve. And learning these things now will help in loving our future spouses and sisters/brothers.
God is good.
Thanks for posting this!
is it still wrong when you know you're going to be with that person forever, and they still give so much attention and emotional support to another person? i duno.
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