Well, there are many deep and otherwise genius topics that I could choose to discuss on here today. Like why is the sky blue, or what did I read about in my Bonhoeffer book today, or what we talked about in African History, but instead I will talk about my stupidity. I don't say that for pity. Let me tell you a story about my life.
Contrary to popular belief, I have not always been the lame study on Friday nights, get things done a million days in advance person that I am now. When I was a Senior in high school, I'd never really thought about college. I didn't know what I wanted to do with myself, I just knew that I wanted to do something with kids. To be honest, I didn't really want to go to college right out of high school. I want to travel, or do something adventurous. I would have liked to have done a DTS (Discipleship Training School) or something else missions related. I would have liked to go and lived in another country for a while. But instead, my parents thought that it would be best if I went to college. So I landed at UNCG (where I wanted to be, if I had to be anywhere in a public UNC school system school), and I'm so thankful that I did because living in Greensboro has molded my life in ways I couldn't have imagined. But my Freshman year I ended up on academic probation. It's not that I don't love to learn. And it's not that I don't like school. It's not even that I'm not smart. I love learning, and I even like school and I am a smart girl most of the time, but I wasn't motivated because I had no purpose. I have to know why I am learning things, especially when it comes to general ed stuff. When I started to tutor, I slowly realized what I wanted to do, and fell in love with those kids, and I began to do better in school. But now, here it is, time for me to apply to the Teacher's Academy and I don't have the grades. I am scrambling to take a class summer session number two, so I can raise my GPA. I just don't know how I'll pay for school because it seems like I will never get to work enough this summer. I guess I will sell my kidneys.
Also, I can't seem to pass the Praxis. I've taken it twice now, and the first time I didn't pass by three points. This past time, I didn't pass by one (one...) point. I even had to get up and drive to Hickory at 5 in the morning to be there on time. I'm not good at math. I can't tell you how bitterly disappointed I feel in myself. I have this way of having unearthly expectations for myself. I don't know how I expect to live up to myself. and I am very good at being gracious to others who make mistakes, but grace to myself is something not easily granted. I realized the other day that these expectations are solely mine. God loves me no matter what. Whether or not I believe that sometimes is another story. To be honest, right now I am freaking out.
It's just that these are two huge things that need to take place in order for me to get into the school of ed, and in order for me to finish out my senior year. If I'm not in the school of ed, I can't student teach. If I don't student teach, I can't teach teach, unless
I guess it's just another opportunity to trust.
Perhaps sharing failures was personal, and perhaps other people would be embarrassed by their not so stellar school record and lack of abilities to pass a math test. In a way I am, and in a way I'm okay with sharing. I'm not afraid for people to know about my life, especially if they can take something away from it.
Well, I'm not so sure this voicing of my worries has relieved anything, so I think that I will bike somewhere and study.
Oceans and oceans of love (and of grace too, I hear),
Em
current time: 5:04
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4 comments:
This be Dan. Its funny because I'm sure you could have figured it out by the way i write. I think one the of biggest problems that people have in engaging community is that they are not willing to be exposed. They con themselves out of healing confession and the freedom that comes from it for various reasons. I am encouraged by your exposure: let me tell you why. Amongst my friends, I always think that I'm the one that is always deficient in school and in life. i Place a standard on my self that is informed by the appearance of "excellence" in others lives but time and time again that perception seems to be an illusion when people expose themselves. This brings me back to my original point, thanks for confirming that the things i thought i knew really aren't true and bringing freedom to not just a sinner but a self-condemning sinner who is no longer condemned by the judge. For petes sake, my name means "God is my judge."
This blog is so real! No holds barred beautiful naked honesty! I love it!
Coming from another who has failed multiple times and struggles in cycles from excitement in what God is doing to mistrust of my own ability to do my part. I always remember 2 Cor 12:9 and 10 which in the best version (I have memorized but don't know the version) says:
The Lord says:
I am with you, that is all you need, my power shows up best in weak people.
Dear Lord,
I thank you for imperfection. It makes the world a more beautiful place. Nothing is more beautiful then someone (not to mention all creation) humbly submitted to you allowing your amazing beauty fulfill and perfect our weakness. I pray that in Emily's life you will continue to shine through. Teach us all not to fear our own weakness but instead to trust your hand to move all the more in the absence of our human strength. Let everything we do in life be an act of partnership between ourselves and your Spirit bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth one small piece at a time.
Amen.
You are plenty smart Emmy, you just gotta want to succeed more than fail, to study more than socialize. God has given us all we need to succeed at what he has chosen for us to do - he has gifted us to do what he created us to do - right?
Oh yea, its good to review prayer requests so we can see God at work in us. See the ESJ post from today (6/28).
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