Behold, I do a new thing

Reflections on the Light of Christmas: in January.

2012-01-16T09:43:00.004-05:00

It's January now. The thrill of winter has long since worn off. I love the month of December. There are Christmas movies being played, parades, festivals, advent, my birthday, etc. All of that causes me to feel so much joy and excitement. Now I start to feel the call of the beach with it's waves, the desire to take my bike for a ride through Greensboro's shaded streets, to sit in the yard just soaking up the sunshine and yet I find that I cannot participate in any of these activities because it is so cold. A friend once said, "Since it got cold I haven't seen you take your coat off or smile." This is an accurate way to describe my relationship with winter.

The other night I finally went to snap a picture of the sweet Moravian church across the street from us. It was decorated so beautifully for Christmas and all of December, I had thought to myself that I should take a picture of it. Fortunately, I took a picture when I did because the next day the decorations were gone.

I wanted to remember how the light looked shining in the darkness. And suddenly I realized that when Jesus came into our world that is exactly how it seemed: God had not communicated with his people in 400 years. They are called "the silent years", because of the waiting without any word. Jesus comes and it is like a burst of light in the darkness of the world and like a yell into the silence that God had not forgotten his promise.

This year, all the Christmas lights meant a little something different. They reminded me that Jesus was the light to us, and they made me think of the joy people should feel when they experience that light. They also reminded me that we are to be a light to those around us. Light can be offensive when you've been in the dark for a long time, but it can also be a welcome experience.

I want to treasure the light as this dark, cold winter goes on, just as Mary held all the things concerning Jesus' birth in her heart and pondered them.

Sometimes I doodle to get me through my day.

2012-01-05T19:21:00.002-05:00

Cat Theology

2012-01-01T17:35:00.005-05:00

I took Italics to the vet last week. I was filled with apprehension and I'd put it off a long time, but I knew that it was (obviously) what needed to be done to keep my cat boy healthy. I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant because he is all tiger.

I warned the nurse as she took him out of his carrier. She thanked me and told me many cats were like that. I thought, "lady, you have no idea..." He was calmish though being weighed and getting his temperature taken, but I could see that he was simply getting pushed to the edge- I was anticipating meltdown while the unsuspecting nurse assumed all was fine.

Italics began to hiss and fight, and since he wouldn't calm down the nurse decided to bring in the big guns: a man-woman with a pair of hawking gloves.

Between nurses,Italics scrambled to get to me for safety, but the nurse took him back to the table. They didn't stay on the table for long, and they ended up wrestling on the floor so the vet could give T- cat his shots. Tally screamed and struggled, causing my stomach to be tied in knots. When I got in the car, I confess that I cried a little.

As I'd put Italics in the car, I thought to myself, "This must be a bit how God feels-- though I know Italics will hate this trip, I know it's for his good." How often do we go through something hard that we must endure, but that God doesn't delight in putting us through? How often does his heart grieve for us as we endure? In the car, I was moved to tears because watching Tally struggle had been so hard. His trip could have been much easier, but instead of trusting that I hadn't brought him there to be attacked he struggled. Maybe God weeps when he sees us struggle and fight against something that will ultimately bring us good. Often I think that God is withholding or causing my struggles and I become resentful. What if it's not so much that God is causing my pain but allowing it? I've "known" this, but today I feel like I experienced the other side of it.

How Do You Say Goodbye?

2011-12-11T19:58:00.004-05:00

On Thursday Mom told me that Grandma had died. We were expecting it (sort of) because on Tuesday she hit her head. Wednesday morning she never woke up and was rushed to the hospital. As I've struggled with my emotions over the past few days, I have have been thinking a lot about Heaven. For years Grandma had been in a wheelchair. Last time I visited, we went to the beach. We pushed Grandma to the edge of the parking lot in Carmel. She could see the sand and the surf, but she couldn't touch it because she had to stay in her chair. Today my Grandma can glory in the beach. She is free to walk on the sand and even chase the sandpipers along the shore. She could swim if she wanted. I remember that my Grandma was a pianist. The arthritis gnarled her hands and she couldn't play. Today her hands are perfect. Her playing is flawless again. It's funny because I imagine her young and beautiful, playing piano in Heaven. I know that the focus of Heaven is Jesus, but I still like to imagine that He is excited to hear her play again. It's reassuring to know that her soul is with Christ. Today as I sang in church, I began to cry because it hit me that I was joining in with all the saints to worship Jesus. I was joining in with my Grandma to worship Jesus.

I've felt really sorry that I never got to sit down with my grandmother and tell her about my Uganda trip. She was so supportive and I was supposed to visit her right after coming home from Africa, but I got sick. I thought about some of the kids from Good Shepherd's Fold who have died. Kids I never met, but one morning we visited their graves. I imagine them crowding around my grandmother telling her about Uganda and their stories in more detail than I could ever give. She is perfect and perfectly with the Savior that her heart loved so well.

I remember being small and going to visit Daffodil Drive. The whole house would smell like baking and the counter would be full of treats. I remember homemade dresses. Trips to the beach, eating hamburgers in the sun or sourdough bread on the Fisherman's Warf. I remember her beautiful handwritten letters. I remember how she called me "Emmy" and the joy in her voice when she spoke to me. I remember her and I miss her. She is complete now, and she will come running toward me some day to welcome me into the perfect presence of Jesus.

2011-11-15T23:46:00.001-05:00

“You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink.” - G. K. Chesterton

Crazy Stupid Love

2011-10-29T09:19:00.003-04:00

Last night Emily and I went to see Crazy Stupid Love in the dollar theater.

The premise of the story, featuring Ryan Gosling and Steve Carell, is that Carell's character is told by his wife that she wants a divorce. Carrell is devastated by the news and heads to the bar where he meets the sharply dressed, smooth, womanizing Gosling who offers to help Carrell become man enough to get his wife back. As Carrell fights to get his wife back, Gosling unintentionally falls in love with a girl(Emma Stone) realizing that while he was trying to "Miyagi" Carrell into being more like him, Gosling subconsciously is really looking to be more like Carrell. The movie makes it clear that Gosling is unhappy with his life, and it become apparent that falling in love is the solution to satisfy him.

As far as chick flicks go, this was a likable one. I laughed, I cried, and I made sure that I didn't internalize this message. In my eyes, Gosling's character is just a step away from becoming Carrell's character. Both are longing for love, which is a delightful sentiment but holds little weight compared to the heaviness of life. Passion fades and only marriages that are rooted in something deeper last.

I'd dare to even take this a step further. This weekend Emily, Laura Jo and I hosted a wedding shower for Kristi and Alex. We set up a station where people could write marriage advice for them. I couldn't help but think of something my Dad once told me about his and my Mom's relationship. He told me that commitment to a person fades, but your commitment to God doesn't. I think that often we look for a person's love to fix us, but only the love of God enables us to be fixed and love others.

2011-10-25T12:55:00.003-04:00

This morning I was wrestling to have peace. I put on Ascend the Hill so I could listen to some hymns and try to focus on Jesus this morning instead of my worries and insecurities. The first song on the cd is "Be Thou My Vision." This song has long been a favorite of mine, but this morning it hit my heart in a way it never had before and suddenly I felt that I understood it.

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,
naught be all else to me, save that thou art;
Thou my best thought by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

Pardon my simple revelations, but so clearly this morning I realized that the way I view things often is not the way God sees things at all. The author of this hymn is asking God to be her sight, to see things for her. Eyes are the lense through which we view the world. Eyes allow us to take in light and know the truth. She is asking God to replace her shallow, colorless, nearly blind vision with His. How much more peace would we have if we could see the world through God's eyes, or at least trust that God can see the big picture even if we can't?

2011-10-23T19:55:00.000-04:00

2011-09-23T21:01:00.002-04:00

Last year many days I considered whether or not teaching was the profession for me. I had several classes that challenged me to the core. If you were to read the ISS lists, you would find many of my students listed day after day. These were the ones that I was given to serve and love, faithfully. Day in and day out. This brought me a lot of joy and pain.

This year thus far has been much easier, in part to the classes I'm teaching, and in part to the fact that it's my third year and I feel as though I might actually know what I'm doing.

I've seen already how my faithfulness to my kids last year is paying off. When my kids from last year need help, I am the one they seek out. From D knocking on my door to see if I could help him with school work to A getting kicked out of class and insisting that he would do work if he could sit in my classroom. My heart has widened for these kids and I am their biggest fan. I am so glad to be a resource and a safe place for them. I am realizing that God knew what he was doing when he gave me the kids he gave me last year. I have really found the desire rising in my to develop a program to mentor students like these. I'm excited to see them grow and hope that God will use my encouragement and prayers.

DIY: The Desk

2011-09-06T18:00:00.003-04:00

I'd been looking all summer for a desk that I could make my own. I found one a week before school started and I finally finished it. Here it is!

Before:

After:

2011-09-06T17:50:00.002-04:00

Today one of my students asked me how my weekend was. I thought for a moment and then laughed as I said, "I got sick, went to a funeral, and lost my cat -- you tell me!"

I can't help but think that my life plot sounds like the plot to a bad movie. I'm not saying all this to bemoan my life. Honestly, I just keep thinking over and over how important it is to tell people how much you love them as much as possible.

One of my favorite literary characters Emily Webb from Our Town says, "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?--every, every minute?"

I just keep thinking about that and how powerless you feel when you've lost something.

2011-08-30T18:37:00.000-04:00

Today one of my 9th graders asked me why people in the halls are always yelling my name. I told him because they just wanted to say hi. But really what I wanted to say was, "Cause I'm awesome!"

i'm blonde!

2011-08-10T14:15:00.002-04:00

2011-07-29T22:30:00.001-04:00

For those interested in my trip check out:

http://emilyexcursions.blogspot.com/

2011-07-13T19:52:00.002-04:00

Uganda or bust: tonight, 3:45 AM at the airport.

Pray for the ability to do small things with great love.

Pray for a greater understanding of who Christ is.

Pray for a soft heart.

Pray for traveling graces.

2011-07-11T11:23:00.002-04:00

I am both excited and nervous at the promise of impending adventure. Let me show you why I'm nervous:

July 14-July 28 Uganda
July 28-August 1 move
August 2-August 10 Colorado/California Roommate Reunion Roadtrip!

There's just a lot going on very quickly.

This summer has been restful and challenging in it's own right. I feel like I'm in a strange frame of mind these days and I will be curious to see how my trip to Uganda and my time with my dearest and bestest effect me. To be honest, I've felt very spiritually dry these days. A friend that I talk to about every six months reminded me that when things are easy, there is no room for our faith to grow. If it was never a challenge to believe in God and to trust in his presence, even when you can't feel it, you wouldn't need faith at all. I think, in light of this, I am in a good place. God is so good to me in that he has been so faithful to provide relationships that are encouraging to me. I'm so grateful for friends that hold me accountable and encourage me.

So in this state I am flying to Uganda on Thursday morning.

I really have no idea what to expect. I expect for certain that my heart will be broken. This isn't a bad thing though. I've never been to a third world country, and can't even imagine the day to day challenges. I'm also going to be living life alongside orphans for two weeks-- if that isn't heartbreaking, I don't know what is.

In some strange way though, I also expect to find joy.

Oswald Chambers says, "I am not here for self-realization, but to know Jesus Christ." This trip would be nice if I came away knowing who I am a little more, knowing my place in the world, knowing the struggle of the believer in Uganda, knowing how I can be a better teacher, daughter, friend, etc. I'm not quite interested in these niceties. What is the point of knowing yourself better, if you don't know the Source? I want to know God better. I think that's why these past months have been difficult, because I feel like I haven't accelerated my relationship with Christ at all. But I trust that he is in that.

As these next few weeks take a strange turn out of the ordinary for me, I am excited. I am also nervous, because I know that God is not tame, and there is no telling what will happen when you encounter the Living God.

Post 460 [Subtitled: SOURCE]

2011-06-22T22:19:00.003-04:00

Today I went to the library. The two books I walked out with were The Gospel in Brief by Leo Tolstoy and New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton. I began reading both when I was struck by a word that was in both of them. The word was source. Merton begins his book by stating, "Contemplation is the highest expression of man's intellectual and spiritual life. It is the life itself, fully awake, fully active, fully aware that it is alive. It is spiritual wonder. It is spontaneous awe at the sacredness of life, of being. It is gratitude for life, for awareness and for being. It is a vivid realization of the fact that life and being in us proceed from an invisible, transcendent and infinitely abundant Source."

I won't quote Tolstoy. I didn't quite agree with him, but what I will tell you is that the word source was repeated over and over in the beginning of the book. (this is what some might call a preface; those that are less bookish might skip this, so I'll pretend I do too.)

Yesterday I was sharing with a friend that I was feeling really dry in my walk with Christ. I felt as though today was a glaring reminder to stay connected to the vine, to press further up and further in til times aren't so challenging.

He is my source, no matter what else might seem like life.

2011-06-22T01:26:00.001-04:00

Sometimes we experience a terrible dryness in our spiritual lives. We feel no desire to pray, don't experience God's presence, get bored with worship services, and even think that everything we believe about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is little more than a childhood fairy tale.

Then it is important to realize that most of these feelings and thoughts are just feelings and thoughts, and that the Spirit of God dwells beyond our feelings and thoughts. - Nouwen

Happy first birthday, Italics!

2011-06-20T12:01:00.002-04:00

2011-06-16T11:29:00.003-04:00

Teaching for me is like what I would imagine childbirth to be like: painful while you live it, and yet when you're done, all that is left is something beautiful that makes you forget how hard it was in the moment. It is the end moment that makes it worth it. It's this end that makes me long for the beginning.

2011-06-06T22:05:00.001-04:00

I think I don't like competition because I'm afraid I'll never measure up.

2011-06-02T14:02:00.002-04:00

Today one of my students brought his baby by to see me. He said, "This is the English teacher you want when you get older."

Currently listening to: Tenuousness by Andrew Bird

2011-05-27T17:01:00.002-04:00

I think most days that God has a lot more to teach me about loving people well.

post 453

2011-05-26T19:05:00.006-04:00

death cab for cutie's new album is pure bliss.

give codes and keys a listen.

Trials and Gifts

2011-05-16T18:04:00.004-04:00

This Sunday at church, the speaker chose to talk about trials based out of the book of James. I feel like this is a subject that should be tread upon lightly. I ,generally speaking, get frustrated and bitter when people talk about trials because I feel like they miss the heart of God. When people talk about trials, I usually begin to feel a bit of resentment creep into my heart because I feel as though it's assumed that when we don't have something that we've been asking for, or when something has been taken away from us, it's automatically a punishment from God.

Jesus chastised the disciples for doing this very thing in John 9. When a blind man passed by Jesus, the disciples as Jesus, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" The disciples assumed that God was admonishing this man or his parents so the man was blind. Jesus tells his followers that neither the man nor his parents did anything wrong, but that God was going to reveal his works through this man. The he made the man whole. That is the heart of God!

If we think of the analogy of a parent, a parent doesn't take the toy of a happily playing child. She delights in watching her child's joy and only intervenes if the child is at risk of hurting themselves or other around them.

God uses our life circumstances to teach us, of course, but he is not the author of evil, and the Bible says that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father.

2011-05-10T16:56:00.003-04:00

Today when one of my students came to be withdrawn from high school, he came to knock on my door to say goodbye to me. I was in a meeting with a princiPAL, but I couldn't help myself. I asked to be excused so that I could hug my boy goodbye. I really have a soft spot for this particular kid- he's the one who came to me after he spent a night out on the street to tell me about how the one thing he thought to bring from home was his hair spray. Midway through the year he could never keep a pencil; he lost it every day, so I tied it to his bookbag and then for a month straight, he would roll up and unroll his pencil on a string. I worked extra with this kid knowing that patience would enable him to blossom. When he struggled with his other classes and teachers, we still managed to get along quite wonderfully. So today when he knocked on my door, it wouldn't have mattered if I was meeting with the president of the WORLD, I would have needed to say goodbye.

I told him to give me a hug, and I couldn't help but tear up. Even as I write this, I can't help but cry a little.

It's hard to say goodbye to people that you love and wish all the best for.

2011-05-09T21:05:00.003-04:00

I love this. It is full of delight and joy in spending time with people you love.

# 449

2011-05-09T18:57:00.004-04:00

It seems like every time I go into school in the morning, I have another email telling me that another of my precious babies has dropped out. It's hard to have put in so much effort and time into someone, to have hoped so much for someone, to have rooted for them with all your heart, only to have them quit at the end.

I just have to trust that this hasn't been in vain.

2011-05-05T21:42:00.004-04:00

All year I have had a student that I loved dearly even though he was super difficult. He got into fights, did drugs, got in trouble at school for various reasons, wasn't overly liked by his teachers...For me, it wasn't easy to love D. I think sometimes when you decide to love someone, it makes them love you back. For that reason, we had a really good relationship. When he had trouble with other classes, he would come sit in my room.

D. has skipped a lot lately. Yesterday he came into school. He informed me that he woke up and rode the bus just to see me and that he would be leaving after first period. He told me he told his ride to pick him up right after first period ended so he could go to my class. Then his ride got there early. D. told me to do whatever I needed to do, but that he had to go. He said goodbye and walked out.

Today I got an email from his Mom. She was withdrawing him. He would finish high school at the community college to get his GED.

It dawned on me that yesterday was goodbye. He knew it; I just didn't.

I'm feel really sad about this decision even though I think it's for the best; I'm just going to miss my kid.

[a small revelation]

2011-05-02T21:13:00.002-04:00

Like the boy with his loaves and fish, I have nothing to offer God. How pitifully small his gift must have seemed, but his willingness was just what the Lord needed.

The Highlight of My Day

2011-04-29T15:56:00.004-04:00

My first period might be my favorite class. It's a class full of kid's whose focus isn't usually on school. Half the time they don't get to class until 15 minutes unto the period...So I work with the few I have until the rest come. It's a regular class, so with it comes the struggle to motivate them. But I love them so much because for some reason we get along and they usually cooperate with me so that I can help them get to where I need them to be. We've been reading Night lately, and the kids in first period are mesmerized.

I have one boy I've been working with to get to school on time. He has a really hard time, but this morning he burst in about five minutes late and exclaimed, "Ms. J! You haven't started reading yet have you?! I can't stop thinking about this book so I hurried to get here!"

I can't tell you what that did for my heart.

Thank you Elie Wiesel for sharing your experiences in a way that my students can connect to them.

I would also like to take this moment to brag on J for finally learning to write his name in cursive. (I taught him that!)

"Oh for grace"

2011-04-27T20:07:00.003-04:00

I watched Stardust tonight. My Mom was appalled by the use of witchcraft in the movie and asked that I never bring it home again. It's a story about a quest that a young man goes on to find a star to bring in back, proving his love to the woman he is desperate to win. Because the kingdom is magical, the star becomes a girl named Yvaine when she hits the ground. I won't give away any endings.

I love the story because in the end, Yvaine's light empowered by the realization that she is loved is what literally overpowers the evilness of the witch. I think that that is such a metaphor for the lives that we live. When we our confident that our Father loves us, it empowers us to move with boldness into places of darkness that we couldn't otherwise stand a chance against.

Today my students in sixth period were talking about me. (in front of my face) T said, "Ms. Jackson's smile is bigger than she is." and C responded by saying, "Ms. J is so genuine. When she smiles, I always know that she means it."

So often I feel so discouraged by everything that I encounter. I often feel like I screw up, and that I am such a poor representation of the Savior that I love. I feel if I'm not doing a good job, I shouldn't be there. I'm grateful for the moments when it seems like my students can see Christ in me. There have been several times this year, when my students have said something about me and I can only know in my heart that they glimpsed Jesus. It's really humbling.

Post 443

2011-04-25T23:08:00.001-04:00

My parents live in a little house in the country on a few acres of land. I have always been enthralled with playing in the woods. As a kid, I had forts and trails to aid me in my adventure seeking in my backyard. Saturday I decided I would go and wander back so that I could be alone. As I walked through my old forest haunts, I asked God to show me a flower that I'd seen as a kid so that I would know how much he loved me.

I walked back nearly to the other edge of the woods, looking and looking. It became more and more apparent how silly my request had been. I was reminded of something else I used to do as a kid. I remember sitting in the car, looking out the window saying to God, "If you love me, will you have 5 geese fly by?" As if the Lord of Heaven who sent his only Son needed to prove himself to tiny, ant-like Emily.

I felt God say to my heart, "Don't you know that I made all of this to tell you how much I love you?" And I felt a twinge of disappointment.

Then I looked down.

That's just the kind of God that he is. He didn't need to put that flower there. All of his creation screams his pleasure with me-- that's why he put it there. But he also takes pleasure in the details of wooing my heart. Not always does he show up like that, but sometimes he puts beautiful woodland flowers right in my path to satisfy my childish heart's asking to prove how much he loves me.

[I was overcome with joy and went racing back to the house to drag my Dad off his computer into the woods to see my flower.]

Wonder Women

2011-04-24T22:08:00.002-04:00

Our small group has been telling personal histories lately. I've been reflecting on my relationship with John lately. John went to school in Illinois and so I had the advantage of dating someone and still being able to invest in relationships like crazy. Also because I was dating someone, I didn't feel the need to try to form friendships with guys. I see that the Lord gave me such a beautiful time to focus on developing relationships with ladies that I am still good friends with today. These ladies went on to be my roommates my Junior and Senior year.

I am so grateful for this time, and for these ladies that I love a lot.

I'm really excited because I already have trips planned to have adventures with 3 out of 4 of these girls this summer. I cannot wait and I hope that as I continue to get older that I will be able to continue in my relationships with these wonderful women.

Juxtaposition of the Cross

2011-04-23T10:14:00.002-04:00

Juxtaposition [juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uhn]
-noun
1. an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, especially for comparison.
2. the state of being close together or side by side.

Last night my family went to the Good Friday service at church. As we quietly came into the dimly lit sanctuary, verses scrolled across the screen up front. What struck me most about these verses was the juxtaposition of love, peace, healing and the violence of the cross of Christ. It reminded me of another contrast: the contrast of Adam and Jesus Christ. Adam couldn't free himself of sin. He couldn't even resist choosing his own way over the way God had told him to do things. Jesus was sinless and yet he took the punishment that Adam needed. Last night JD spoke about the reason Jesus needed to die. It wasn't to show his love, it was because sin has consequences that must be paid. Jesus took all the punishment that I should have had instead he was faced with Hell (which is ultimate separation from his Father). Through all that pain and suffering, I am free from the sin that kept me from God. I think that's something that is so attractive about Christianity: God, who was perfect, gave up everything because it brought him joy to redeem back his creation through the only way he could: his Son. That's a God I can follow - not angry or manipulating. A God so motivated by the need to reconcile things, and to exact justice that he allowed his Son to be the sacrifice.

It sounds really crazy. And I believe it with all my heart. And I'm glad that it doesn't end there or I would be really depressed. I'm glad that Jesus has the power over death.

2011-04-21T11:37:00.000-04:00

I think Adele is mesmerizing.

2011-04-14T17:26:00.000-04:00

[sometimes it's really hard to be an adult in a teenager's world.]

on going to social functions alone

2011-04-12T20:09:00.004-04:00

it's not so much the act of going somewhere alone. i go plenty of places alone: the store, the coffee shop, to work, to church on occasion, to the doctor.

i think it's having to hassle someone to go to the chorus concert, to the basketball games, or the football games, and worse still to go with me to chaperon a dance. i hate going through a list of boys who would go with me, but not read too much into my invitation.

the good news is that mrs. kayler agreed to be my "date" to prom. I'm glad for friends that don't make me so lonely and lame.

The delightful mundane

2011-04-11T10:32:00.005-04:00

I took today off because I had to get shots for Uganda from the health dept!

Here is my list of things to do:

get shots [check!]
make refried beans [check!]
plan some lessons
clean out the closet
take a nap [check!]
call doctor's office to get them to fax records to new doctor's [check!]
make a doctor's appt
go to the bank [check!]

Things I want to do before I die:

2011-04-03T20:51:00.002-04:00

Have foster children
Have my own children
Teach in another country
Write a book
Go back to Mexico
Go to graduate school
Learn another language
Lead someone to Christ ( God willing )
Memorize a book of the Bible
Fall in love and learn to live it out for 70 some years
Learn to be not easily angered, full of love in every manner
Go backpacking
Go on a road trip
Grow a tree
Be in a play
Go to Africa and work with orphans
See NY skyline
Watch a parade from a hotel window

I revisit my untouched list of things to do before I die every now and then and find that I've scratched not much off of it. I am excited to say that this summer I will check two things off of it: Go to Africa and work with orphans, and go on a road trip.

Let me tell you how wildly excited I am:
| |
[more than that.]

Guess I just have to keep living so I can experience more and more of my adventures.

Things to do in Greensboro

2011-04-03T20:48:00.001-04:00

Weatherspoon Art Museum [check.]
Elsewhere [check.]
Grasshoppers game [check.]
Greensboro Arboretum [check.]
Greensboro Bicentennial Garden [check.]
N.C. Zoo [check.]
Greensboro Historical Museum
Greensboro Children's Museum
Guilford Courthouse National Military Park
Greensboro Symphony
Greensboro Opera Company
Triad Stage
Blandwood Mansion
Mendenhall Plantation
Natural Science Center [check]
Tannenbaum Historic Park
Walking tour of downtown Greensboro with headphones
Bog Garden

2011-03-31T13:48:00.003-04:00

There are some students, that despite your best efforts you cannot help but love. These are the perpetually tardy, the chronically failing, those of fight clubs and drug deals (I am not embellishing). They are the ones who tell you about their night on the street, the secret tattoo, or their deadbeat boyfriend. Despite all that, despite the fact that your colleagues cannot understand or get along with these children (and neither can you all the time) you miss them when they're not in class because you're wondering where they are, who they're with and what they're doing. You have guesses as to the answers of these, but that's not something you like to think about. Somehow even though you've been told not to expect much, you still do. You still think that if you are the one to give them just one more chance, maybe it will matter.

Yesterday it didn't. Maybe tomorrow it will.

Fictional Women

2011-03-28T18:53:00.004-04:00

Some stories you want to relive again and again. I re-read the Chronicles of Narnia over and over, for example. I can't get enough of the adventure. Each time I read them, too, I get something new. Jane Austen for me holds the same type of allure. Austen's books grow with me. I used to think her books were dreamy. As a high school girl, I felt as though I could connect with the characters because I had romance. Now as a ripe old woman, age 24, the dreaminess is gone as I feel more connected with Austen's Fanny, Anne, Elizabeth, and Elinor than ever. Those women are strong, dispite their feeling that they would never be provided for, never loved or even noticed for being women of character. I empathize with Fanny as she struggles to come to terms with the fact that Edmond may never love her, with Anne as she tells a friend, "The one claim I shall make for my own sex is that we love longest, when all hope is gone", with Lizzie as she unflinchingly sticks to what she knows is right, and with Elinor as she quietly bears all.

I draw strength from these fictional women. They are my friends, as strange as it seems. It doesn't even matter that they do end up with the right person at the end. For me, it is encouraging to how they arrive at that point. I have kinship with them as they struggle along. I don't feel bitter when they finally reach their happy endings, only delight because I know the struggles that they had to go through to get there.

So for me, even if I never get the happy ending they do(you know: the Darcys, the Knightlys, etc.), I can be encouraged to make my own endings as joyful as I may. I choose to live a life of strength, and I thank the fictional women who help me.

weekend update in pictures

2011-03-27T19:39:00.008-04:00

[just had to throw in a picture of my loinfruit.]

[i've been wanting to make some pendants for my room, so i got some fabric. spring break project!]

[e and i potted these on the roof last weekend to celebrate the warm weather. too bad the snow forecast for tomorrow will kill that joy.]

[i made that earring holder.]

Routine

2011-03-22T21:26:00.007-04:00

Even in this moment there are so many beautiful things:

water heating in my yellow, hand me-down kettle
the blue and white patterned table cloth on my table
given to me by my mother with dreams of a cheerful kitchen
accompanied by the salt and pepper shaker set wrapped in delicate white porcelain leaves
my bold-stripped tiger-cat wildly flicking his tail, blinking
at three daffodils in a jar
the cool, crisp air enveloping me through the open window with only the sounds of passing traffic and
the promise of seeing the people that I love the most
tomorrow.

Legalism vs Living Sacrifice

2011-03-21T23:39:00.003-04:00

There have been several times in my life when I have been accused of being legalistic. Such a claim is like a knife in my heart.

Legalism is believing that salvation is gained by good works. It's the idea that by goodness we somehow level up, or earn a step closer to God.

I know there no one is good, not even one. I know that my heart is desperately wicked and an idol factory. I know that God is holy and that there is nothing that my foolish attempts to be "nice" can do to appease his inherit need for purity to be upheld.

But that's just it! God is holy, and I am supposed to be like him. 1 Peter tells us to be holy, like God is holy. That's why Jesus died on the cross. To pay for what I couldn't. Where Adam failed, Jesus succeeded. Where I fail minutely, Jesus succeeds. The steps I couldn't take, Jesus took to the cross to erase my need to be perfect. I am perfect through the blood of the Lamb. That's why I try to be holy. I don't have to be, I can never be, but I will always try to honor what Jesus did for me by trying to be as in his likeness as I can be.

I know that following rules can be just as damning as not, and I know that trying to replace God with a rigid structure set to show me my need for him doesn't get me anywhere.

I think that people try to dance as close to the line, but I want to do the opposite. I don't want to see how many rules I can break since I'm covered, I want to reach the end of my life as holy as possible. Not for what it gets me, but because I know that that is honoring to God. Romans 12 encourages us to offer ourselves as living sacrifices. As much as this sacrifice wants to crawl off the altar most days, I just want to show God that I love him too.

2011-03-17T23:33:00.003-04:00

Today one of my students told me that ever since her mother told her that her brother was smarter than her, she hasn't tried in school. As I drove home from school, my heart was so overwhelmed with sorrow for this girl. She'd come to get a recommendation from me for a magnet school. As she waited for me to finish my letter, she told me that her mom told her that she'd have to be the Michelangelo of Sophomores to get in, and since she wasn't she wouldn't get in. What a bright, talented young lady her mother is shutting down.

Oh, the power of words.

2011-03-13T23:22:00.000-04:00

“As you see more clearly that your vocation is to be a witness to God’s love in this world, and as you become more determined to live out that vocation, the attacks of the enemy will increase. You will hear voices saying, “You are worthless, you have nothing to offer, you are unattractive, undesirable, unlovable.” The more you sense God’s call, the more you will discover in your own soul the cosmic battle between God and Satan. Do not be afraid. Keep deepening your conviction that God’s love for you is enough, that you are in safe hands, and that you are being guided every step of the way." Henri J.M Nouwen

2011-03-09T19:37:00.002-05:00

Today after school one of my students asked me if I'd cried lately in school. I told him not lately, and the other student that was in my room said, "Ms. Jackson, you've cried in school?!" I said yes. The student who had asked said, "I know why you cry. You cry because you care so much about us and sometimes we don't care about things at all."

I thought that was very astute.

"I'll remember someday all the chances we took/ we're so close to something better left unknown"

2011-03-07T19:10:00.002-05:00

It sucks to not be able to date a cute boy because he doesn't love Jesus like he should...

2011-03-04T22:13:00.004-05:00

Today one of my students asked me if I was a Christian. I confirmed his suspicions and he nodded seriously, almost disapprovingly as he said, "I thought so." I said, "Why do you ask, Q?" He said, "Because you care about animals. You care about people... You care about everybody!"

2011-03-03T19:14:00.002-05:00

There's just nothing in the world like coffee, pie and a cat after a 10.5 hour day.

2011-03-02T14:11:00.002-05:00

Sometimes my students throw me for a loop. In good ways.

I'm trying to learn to focus on that.

Worn Through

2011-02-10T21:51:00.003-05:00

Between the bomb threats, the fights, the drugs, the unkindness, the apathy and the strain of all the meetings that seem to be popping up like flowers in the spring-time rain I am so worn out. Emotionally and physically and spiritually.

I really feel like the only way I get through a day is through the power of Christ. But at least I have 2 really great lessons planned for tomorrow. There's never any certainty that I will get to teach them, but I've brought my A game.

Saturday I am sleeping all day.

2011-02-09T21:43:00.000-05:00

I live my life in growing rings
that move out over the things around me.
Perhaps I'll never complete the last,
But that's what I mean to try.

I'm circling around God, around the ancient tower,
and I've been circling for thousands of years;
and I still don't know: am I a falcon, a storm
or a great song?

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Shifting the Mindset

2011-02-03T14:17:00.002-05:00

I decided that I was going to make a list of my students and write something encouraging and positive to each one of them. Easier said than done, but I think it's an exercise that will not only help my mental state, but theirs.

I also decided today that I wasn't going to make any negative phone calls, I was only going to make positive ones. In each of my classes I tried to pick a kid to call home for to let them know what their student had done well today. Talking to happy moms was nice.

God is light.

2011-02-02T22:01:00.002-05:00

I feel as though events in this school week have been slowly chipping away at me. I know that worrying about my children doesn't add anything to their lives or mine, but I am feeling so broken-hearted for them. I cried twice tonight because I just kept thinking about how my students think that they way they live will bring them respect, make them an individual, make them feel alive.

They just don't know how precious they are.

The God of the universe imagined them, dreamed them up before they even existed. He made them in His image and He gave them gifts and abilities that make them different from anyone else. He loved them so much that He traded His son's life for theirs.

It seems as though there is nothing that could break through the darkness that surrounds them so that they could know that.

And yet John 1:5 tells us "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

I need God to change my so easily defeated heart to trust in His light and purpose.

I'm glad for these crazies.

2011-01-31T23:35:00.001-05:00

"Put On Love"

2011-01-30T16:23:00.002-05:00

Colossians 3:14 And above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.

That phrase "put on love" is something that I can't help thinking about. Like putting on a jacket or a pair of pants, everything should be covered by love. Not covered by our shallow, weak "love" but by God's indwelling, death-breaking, desert-quenching love.

Over and over it is proven to me that my own feeble attempts at love are nothing but shadows of the love that the Dreamer-up-of-love can offer. I fall shamefully short. Gently I am reminded daily to believe the Father's love for me so that I can abide in that, put it on and reach out to the people I rub shoulders with on a regular basis. I am also reminded daily that God delights in using broken vessels to show his heart to a world of idol worshipers, swayed by counterfeit soul satisfaction.

1 John 3:2

2011-01-29T23:36:00.002-05:00

Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.

I love this verse. It holds so much promise.

Water in a Jar of Dust

2011-01-25T19:03:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I get bogged down due to lack of trust in my Heavenly Father whether it be about my students or my future or you name it. He knows when the sparrows fall and clothes the wild flowers, so I don't really know why I think any worrying I do can add or subtract to his plans. I wish my heart could soak that idea in and believe it. I really feel like the Lord is challenging me as of late. I know that he is calling me to sanity that is only found in himself but that doesn't mean at times my heart isn't profoundly disturbed. The spirit of peace is from God, but I think that as his spirit shifts our way of thinking it can be like pouring water in a jar of dust.

2011-01-24T21:31:00.002-05:00

I am a huge fan of the cardigan.

2011-01-23T22:48:00.001-05:00

Oh Father,

Empty me of me and pour in only you so I can forget about my petty self and be set free to love.

A few thoughts on this cold Sunday afternoon:

2011-01-23T15:25:00.003-05:00

Here's a quote I've been meditating on this week. I appreciate the wise words of the saints who have gone before us.: "Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel." - Corrie Ten Boom

And here is my to do list:

1. Clean my room
2. Clean my overhead slides
3. Create new seating charts
4. Attend small group leader training
5. Eat a piece of cake and drink some coffee to celebrate the completion of the aforementioned tasks
6. Address some envelops

And break!

My Lately Lessons

2011-01-19T19:08:00.003-05:00

A few posts ago, I wrote about how I feel as though I am losing a lot of friends due to various circumstances. Through conversation with a dear friend I came to realize that part of the reason I struggle with that so is because I am not trusting that God will provide for me. We've been reading 1 John at church. The very last verse of the book says "Little children, keep yourselves from idols(5:21)." I've been thinking about that a lot. In a book that talks about what love is, why would that be the last verse? John doesn't even say goodbye really. He only abruptly reminds them to keep themselves pure from the love of idols. He does this because he's told them what real love is. I know what real love is, and I know where it's found. I feel like God has been really challenging me to make sure that I'm not trying to put people in the place of him. He's been challenging me to trust him. These next two weeks are going to be really emotional for me because I'm saying goodbye to three dear friends. I've cried a lot lately and I feel lonely even though I still have such a wonderful community of friends around me. I feel really selfish for feeling so sad, and for not being able to just cherish the friendships that are here to stay (at least for this time).

There's another verse that's stood out to me that says "Perfect love casts out fear (4:18)" and I feel like God has just been reminding me that his love is perfect. I don't have to be afraid of losing relationships or people forgetting me or moving on because he will never leave me. I think that's all easier in my brain than in my heart but all that is a work in progress and I feel like so much is still being worked out in my heart.

Growth is so hard for me sometimes, because I so often just want to have arrived. I want to be so much better in my walk with God, but then I remember that God will never let me reach where I want because then I would no longer have a need for him. I am reminded that he's not measuring things the way I am. In fact, he doesn't measure me at all. He just loves me (and you). Perfectly.

But here's what I'm wondering now: How do we love people with our entire hearts and not make them an idol? How do we know if we've made relationships or people an idol? Because I feel like I am good at loving people, but not so good at letting them go. I guess I am still learning how to keep my hands open, and that I will have to continue trusting that God will teach me this.

2011-01-17T22:18:00.002-05:00

I choose to trust that God is doing beautiful things, even though it doesn't feel like it at all.

Greatest Joys on a Snowy Day

2011-01-11T16:34:00.007-05:00

Loss

2011-01-10T16:50:00.007-05:00

Every few months I feel as though I write the same thing. God, for years has been challenging me to live "with open hands" (as Henri J.M. Nouwen would put it.)

I have this unshakable sense of loss. as of late. My heart only feels sad. I made a list in my journal the other day of people that I feel like I have lost or am losing to one thing or another. (There were like 8 people on that list.) Life is inconsistent in that way. To me, this period of loss, this journey began on August 1st with the death of my cat Bobbi who I'd had since I was in 4th grade. This was just breaking me in, because on August 18 my Papa lost his fight with cancer. Obviously this was much more serious. When I heard that news, I turned off all the lights and just sat in the dark crying, til a good friend came to find me.

I dealt with loss again, in an entirely different way on October 4 when my roommate's youngest brother died suddenly. This was unlike anything I'd ever experienced and though I hadn't met C. , I cried off and on for days. I even broke down and cried in one of my classes. I still feel at a loss for how to comfort K. as she goes through each day without him.

Those are just the physical deaths of this past year. There are other losses that I've experienced through friendships, and others that are to come. Some of these are still to fresh and painful to share. They take the form of friends moving (on), friends becoming, friends marrying. Even this year Spring Garden, the church I've been a part of since I moved to Greensboro 6 years ago, lost it's pastor.

I can't wait to get to Heaven when I will be able to view relationships rightly and it won't be such a struggle to not hold onto people so fiercely. If only I were so jealous of my relationship with God as I am with people.

I echo Nouwen as I pray "Please help me to open my hands and to discover that I am not what I own, but what you want to give me. And what you want to give me is love, unconditional love."

Oh Father, set my heart free to run after you.

2011-01-07T14:13:00.003-05:00

I have always had high expectations for myself. When I don't feel as though I am doing a good job, my first thought is that I should just stop. I don't really think of this as a quitter's mentality, because I do things with my whole heart. I have always been my hardest critic. This is one reason I have really struggled with my job lately. I've wondered if I am in the right place. More than anything, I want to do a good job. I once wrote this poem:

Why I Became a Teacher

I am in charge of light bulbs,
of fireflies, and small stars

I direct whispers,
half wishes and shy smiles

to ignite wild fires.

And that is what I want to do: ignite wild fires in children's hearts and minds. But I've written a new poem:

Year Two

The power isn't there.
Not to inspire,
not to love boldly,
not to bravely enter their space
day in and day out.

I can't remember why this grew here.
This dream that is now a half-hearted hope that this matters.

The good thing is that I do know where the power comes from.

2011-01-06T21:48:00.001-05:00

“A courage which looks easy and yet is rare: the courage of a teacher repeating day after day the same lessons - the least rewarded of all forms of courage.” - Honore de Balzac

Home

2011-01-02T22:26:00.001-05:00

This song is very stuck in my head.

And this is the best cover I've ever heard.

Pardon my Conservatism

2010-12-30T16:29:00.003-05:00

Last week I went to the International Civil Rights Museum. It was hard to walk through, but they're educating people and sometimes that means that you have to share some ugly moments. There was one section of the tour that upset me in a different way. I decided that I would write a letter to the museum to let them know how I felt.

Here it is:

Good afternoon,

Let me first begin by saying that I am so delighted that your museum is open. For years I have been mesmerized by the courage of the "Greensboro 4" and others like them. I am glad that you uphold your institution as a place of peace, where all people can come and learn and be challenged to fight to make the world a better place. That is why I was taken aback by a comment that one of the guides made while on the tour. When we got to the section of the tour that was about how influential media was in the fight for civil rights, the guide said, "There was no Fox News clouding things up." Of course this was received as a joke by most of the guests, but I personally found it disconcerting. If you are to claim that the International Civil Rights Museum is a place of peace for ALL people then there is no place for polarizing statements such as that to be made. It is a blessing that we live in a country where all points of view can be heard, whether or not we agree with them. As Gandhi once said, “Intolerance betrays want of faith in one’s cause.” Let us be tolerant of all or what we claim to uphold seems false.

Thank you for hearing my thoughts.

Sincerely,

I think that

2010-12-29T13:42:00.002-05:00

there should be an Olympic event where someone has to climb as many floors as possible with their arms full of groceries

by themselves.

I would win that event because I have been training for years.

2010-12-23T15:23:00.000-05:00

2010-12-23T15:16:00.000-05:00

I feel as though all I do is say goodbye to people that I really love a lot.

Merry Christmas from the Palace in the Sky

2010-12-20T21:58:00.001-05:00

The Art of Apology: Death to Self

2010-12-17T11:07:00.003-05:00

Today I wrote an apology. As I wrote it, I cried. Not because I was sorry though. I cried because I felt like part of me was dying. To write an apology, not explaining myself, not saying "but don't you see, you've hurt me as well" was a death to myself. I had to put aside my pride, my feelings of right vs. wrong in order to make this apology and that was a painful experience. Part of me wants things to be fair. Part of me wants my side to me known and understood. Part of me wants to insist that I also recieve an apology since one was demanded of me. As I put my letter in the mail, I will imagine that those feelings are sent away too so that I can move past the hurt and anger.

I hope my dreams don't mean anything.

2010-12-17T09:52:00.002-05:00

Last night I had a dream that I was in a speech competition. There were three of us on on a team and my first two team members went and were terrible. I had written a really beautiful speech but as I stepped up to the mic, I realized I'd left it somewhere. I couldn't even remember what I was supposed to be talking about. I said some ridiculous things and then, unsure of how to end my speech I said, "In the name of Jesus, Amen."

Weird.

Gotta keep working on that grammar:

2010-12-14T20:54:00.003-05:00

Today I got hit with a paper ball. When I opened it up, it said "Your cute" with a heart.

Catch 22

2010-12-14T14:02:00.003-05:00

I have always loved school. I have always loved learning. Lately I have been so discouraged by kids' lack of desire to grow mentally that I have simply given them work and required that they turn it in at the end of the period. What a joke! I can't decide if I would rather my classes be a joke or if I would rather pour my heart and soul into my lessons only to find that the kids still don't care at all. It seems like a waste of time if it doesn't matter to the kids. I can slide by with busy work. It doesn't break my heart when they don't care about busy work. I didn't put my soul into creating it. I didn't give up any time to make it. Last year I had so much fun teaching my eleventh graders. We did a lot of fun activities and I learned just as much as they did. I would dream of the lessons that I could teach. This year I only dream of working at Macy's because folding shirts is painless and achievable. The catch is though, I love to teach. I love to develop lessons. In the wake of ease, my heart is breaking in a different way. I feel as though in one way or another, I will be unsatified and disapointed. In the end, I think I'd rather feel satisfied with myself. If the kids still choose not to learn, than I can't take responsibility for that. I can take responsibility for the quality of the education that I am offering them.

Season of Redemption

2010-12-12T17:05:00.003-05:00

Today at church I was feeling really emotional. There were several points during the service when I teared up. I was thinking about my students. I always think about them. Lately I can’t help thinking about their need for Christ. It’s the middle of the year. I know my kids fairly well by this point. I know what’s going on in their lives. Last year as I drove home to my parent's for Christmas, I wept as I left the city. Their hearts are broken. The relationships that they have are broken. This is true of me too but unlike me, they have no hope. They have nothing to motivate them. They think that getting high, finding the right person, making good grades will give them life. And they are surprised to find that it doesn’t. Highs don’t last. Relationships aren’t easy. Grades are fickle. They pass from meaningless to meaningless. Or maybe, they can't even tell that these things won't get them anywhere because these things are deceptive. Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough. I know that I don't save anyone, but I can't even tell them who can save them.

2010-12-07T21:56:00.002-05:00

Today one of my students made me laugh until I cried. I mostly do have the best job ever. Some days.

pillow talk

2010-12-05T23:39:00.000-05:00

End of a chapter: Saying Goodbye to the Farrards

2010-12-05T20:18:00.002-05:00

Today was Greg, Beth and the boys last Sunday at Spring Garden. I have a lot of thoughts on my mind but since I was asked to share a little today, I'll just share what I said today.

When I went to college one of the things I was most excited about was getting to pick my own church. The first place I heard Greg speak was not Spring Garden, but was at a UNCG InterVarsity meeting. He spoke (this might come as a surprise to you) about the prodigal son. He spoke of that dignified Jewish papa standing in the road scanning the horizon for his boy, hiking up his robes and running to meet him when he finally saw him to welcome him home. In all my years of church-dom, I'd never heard the story told with such heart. That Farrand heart (Greg's, Beth's, the boy's) has been one that has been such a blessing to this body. The heart is one of our heavenly Father's which has been beautifully shared week in and week out, whether through a hobbit song, a hug from Beth, or the exuberance for life brought by each of the boys.

When I was little, my Mom used to tell me that the baby bird can't stay in the nest forever - one day the mama bird will push the baby out so he can learn to fly. (This was a metaphor for becoming a teenager and growing up and used to terrify me.) We (the body) and the Farrands have been sharing a nest for eight years. It has been comfortable, it has been safe, it has been home, but now we are being called out of the nest. Take heart; God provides for the birds of the air just as He does the birds of the nest. God has been developing Greg, Beth, and the boys, and us the body of Spring Garden for just this moment. He knew it would come and He is delighted to continue shaping us all for the works He has prepared.

I am feeling sad today because change is hard, especially when it wasn't one that seemed needed. It's hard to see the unknown looming up ahead. I am also excited because I know that our futures are in the hands of a good and powerful God. I know that the heart that Greg has demonstrated through his sermons each week for Beth and his boys reflects the heart that God has for each of us.

In closing, I would like to share a quote which comes from a story which was not written quite in time to be canonized(The Return of the King). Frodo has accomplished his goal of destroying the ring, Middle Earth is at peace, and Frodo and Gandalf are saying goodbye to Merry, Pippin, and Sam because they are sailing away with the Elves while the other Hobbits are returning to the Shire. As the friends say goodbye Gandalf says, "Here at least, dear friends, on the shores of the sea comes an end to our fellowship in Middle Earth. Go in peace! I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil."

Greg, Beth, boys, we love you and we are sorry to see you go but we look forward with great expectations to what the Father has for you as we wait to see what He has for us as well.

2010-11-22T23:47:00.001-05:00

I'd like to be these sweethearts.

Date with ... Italics

2010-11-21T23:12:00.005-05:00

A couple weeks ago Greg challenged us in his sermon to not spend our quiet time in the same way every day. He liked it to dating someone and how if you did the same thing every day, your time would become boring and stagnant.

I was alone that afternoon, and so as I cooked dinner for myself I decided that I would take Greg's words seriously. Usually I watch tv if I'm by myself for a meal, but I decided that I would go on a date with God. I would turn the lights down, light a candle, turn off the music/tv and really focus on God as I ate.

I did all this when suddenly at the other end of the table a little face appeared.

I've always suspected that God had a sense of humor, but this confirmed it. Suddenly I was on a date with Italics. I hate most in all the world being called a cat lady because I think that cat ladies are completely alone except for the friendship they buy from an animal. Maybe someday I'll learn to see the joke.

Three moments I'm proud of this week:

2010-11-19T14:17:00.003-05:00

1. One of my Sophomores carries a panda around. He had a rip in his leg. I told her I'd do some surgery, so she brought him to me and I got to have a mom moment and fix Mr. Bear.

2. I had a student who is really difficult to get along with. He's never wrong and is full of himself. He skips French, Algebra and Biology on a regular basis. He is angry and when he gets bored with school he tries to get himself kicked out. He thinks he is going to be a football player when he grows up and that it's impossuble for him to get hurt so he will never need school. He came to play Scrabble with ME on his LUNCH this week. Go figure.

3. Last year I had a student who was a repeater 9th grader. This year he is in 11th grade, finally. He came to see me and told me that he was doing a lot better because he only had 2 Fs on his report card this time. I asked him in what classes he had Fs. He told me one of the classes was English 11. I flipped my lid. I told him that he had someone who loved English 11 standing right in front of his face. He said that he thought he could only go to his English teacher for help. I told him I expected him to come to me for help. This week he brought a project and we worked on it for two days afterschool and he turned it in today. I'm so proud.

I wish I wrote this:

2010-11-18T22:39:00.001-05:00

I read about how you touched them and they were healed
Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears
And you washed your best friend’s feet
I am just wondering though did you just ever hug people

I mean I know that it is a silly question and all I am sure you would have why wouldn’t you
But its one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it

And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell
I think I’m caught up in my sins last time I checked all my body parts were properly working, nothing special here
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything
Because all I really need is a hug
That is ok for me to imagine right
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology is it
Ok good, then hug me

But not one of these side ways one arm around the neck type hugs
Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest pit pat on the back back
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing
Nah none of those

BEAR HUG ME MAN
Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because your squeezing so hard
But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that

And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry because
I WANT TO CRY
But I just can’t seem to do it on my own
I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a drip down my cheek
There's just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged so hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose

- Bradley Hathaway

2010-11-18T16:02:00.002-05:00

This job has periods for me where it seems as though nothing encouraging is going on.

2010-11-15T19:04:00.002-05:00

Today was not a perfect day. It was complete with write-ups, and kick-outs and confrontations, but here are something that kept me laughing as I thought about them the whole way home:

1. I. told me a story about a dream he had today where he was about to smoke some weed and suddenly I popped into his head and said, "I need your head clear for class!"

2. T. came into my class, gave me a big hug and said he missed me over the weekend.

3. I was illustrating how the Odyssey for my students and I started laughing. T. said, "Oh LORD, Ms. Jackson is laughing at her own jokes again!"

4. My fourth period students made a facebook for Italics and sent me a friend request.

5. Several of my students from last year dropped by to see me after school.

6. In 4th period, some of my students had their cell phones out and I told them if they didn't put them away I was going to take them out and they said, "You have to just pick one of us."

Love Hopes All Things

2010-11-11T10:21:00.004-05:00

I have a student who disappeared for about a week. Despite efforts to find him, the school couldn't track him down. He's a really bright kid but can get sucked into whatever else is going on around him. Monday he was back in my classroom and I greeted him by telling him that I was worried about him and that I was really glad he was back. I asked if he was sick. He said no, but wouldn't tell me where he was. I didn't really press it because I've never been the kind of person to force confidence. Yesterday he asked me if he could come in to do make up work. He said he didn't think he could make it to me til 5:00 because he takes a class over at another school in the afternoon and he would have to ride the bus back. So I waited. I waited til 5:20 when a former student of mine, a Senior walked by my room and asked "Ms. J, why are you still here?" I told her I was waiting for D. She told me I should go home and I knew she was right. I slowly packed up my things. I walked out to the parking lot to my car when a bus drove by. Hope soared back up in me. Maybe D. was on that bus and he would come to my classroom. I walked back inside for something I'd forgotten. I slowly locked my door back up. He never came. I cried a bit as I drove home. I can't really put my finger on why this effected me so much. I've had kids say they'd come before and they haven't. No big deal. Sometimes I just can't help really rooting for a kid. I wish well for all of them. I get disappointed when they don't do well on things and I get brokenhearted for them when they struggle. I just have to keep on hoping for them, I guess. In 1 Corinthians 13 Paul says that "love hopes all things." Maybe this is a little how that looks. Maybe God patiently waits, hoping for us to see how much we need him. Maybe he keeps hoping we will run to him.

2010-11-09T20:55:00.003-05:00

I had the privilege of speaking at Fellowship of Christian Athletes tonight. I talked about abiding in the love of Christ and how that enables us to love others. I have no idea if what I said made sense or if it meant anything at all, but for me to look into the eyes of 40 high school students and finally have the opportunity to say with my words that they are precious to the heart of God was one of the highlights of my life.

['m trusting in this benediction this week]

2010-11-03T22:32:00.001-04:00

Psalm 29:11 The Lord will give strength to His people; The Lord will bless His people with peace.

Intervention

2010-11-03T18:13:00.002-04:00

People tune in weekly to watch the show "Intervention." The watch as the family and friends of an addict explain how the addiction is harming not only the addict, but everyone who is connected to them. The family tells the addict that they must seek help. Today as I sat in my third parent/teacher conference of the week I was reminded of the concept. We sat there explaining that this student needed to change his behaviors or he was headed down a path he wasn't going to be proud of later. This student has told me before that his father was killed due to gang involvement. We shared that we were worried that he was talking too much about gangs, drugs and sex and not enough about school. I could see J. shutting down and so I told him, "We are all here for you! We care about you and we want to see you succeed. There isn't anyone at this table that isn't wanting to help you in anyway we can." His stepdad told him they loved him. As I sat watching, I had this increasing feeling of heartbroken-ness as I listened to his parents share. I don't know why, but sometimes I feel so burdened by what is going on in the lives of my students. I must trust that the Lord has J. in the palm of his hand, as he does all my kids.

As to myself, today is a "Sense and Sensibility" watching while grading papers kind of night. The melancholy and Elinor's personality match my sentiments exactly.

Honesty

2010-11-01T19:23:00.004-04:00

I guess I am a little discouraged today in more than one area, and perhaps I am being a hard on myself due to the impossibility of always being a person of formidable character.

I suppose it's good for me sometimes to see my acute need for the redeeming love of Christ.

I'm not so sure this makes sense, but I will try to explain what I'm processing.

2010-10-31T17:47:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I met Mom in Durham to watch a movie called Waiting for Superman. The documentary about the public school system began with a man talking about how when he was little his mom told him that Superman wasn't real. He said that he wasn't disappointed because like Santa Claus, Superman wasn't real but because it meant no one was coming to save them.

How heartbreaking. And how applicable.

I've been reading the book of Exodus lately. Here was a group of people living like no one was coming to save them. It seemed as though they were forgotten. Little did they know, God was training a leader out in the desert, with the sheep. Here's where I struggle: God brings Moses back to Egypt to save his people but he doesn't just have pharaoh release the Israelites the first time. They have to wait. They have to make bricks with straw and watch as God hardens pharaohs heart over and over. The people wonder if Moses lied to them so Moses goes to God saying "You have not rescued your people at all." More often than not, it seems that we are waiting on God. If you're like me, you wonder why. You wonder what God is doing, or what he's waiting for. We know that he has called us to be his people and that he has promised to provide and that he says he loves us. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that God must have other things he's worrying about. More important things like genocides, for example, than small Emily in Greensboro. But if God cannot care for me now, if he is not giving me what is best for me now, than he is not all powerful, nor is he good. (Of course there is the discrepancy of what I think is good, and what he thinks is good.) God tells Moses that he is doing things his way because he wants them to have no doubt in their minds that he is the LORD who has redeemed them (Exodus 6). But Exodus goes on to say, "So Moses spoke thus to the children of Israel; but they did not heed Moses, because of anguish of spirit and cruel bondage."

Have I given up on a Savior? Have I decided that because life is hard and full of struggles that God is not good and working?

Today (and the day after, and the day after, and the day after)I choose to believe that hope has come, and that when I stand looking back over the red sea of life, I will know that the LORD is almighty, that he hears what I say to him, that he will bring me safely to himself some day. I think it is a conscious decision to not get swept up with idols that seem to promise safety, but instead to believe in an Infinite that is true.

Exodus 14:13-14 And Moses said to the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. 14 The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.”

currently listening to: Guster, Satellite

2010-10-26T21:39:00.002-04:00

Dear God,

Please take my insecurities. Please replace them with the love of God.

2010-10-26T15:51:00.001-04:00

One cannot have both compassion and innocence. - Eugenia W. Collier

2010-10-25T14:24:00.003-04:00

People ask me how I like teaching. Honestly it depends on the day. People ask me if it's gotten easier. I don't think it has. Somehow, I am still convinced that it is the profession that God wants me to be in. The other day I was really struggling. Things continue to happen that break my heart. One of my students who had dropped out came to see me on Thursday. He walked into my classroom and I teared up. I'm not even sure why, other than that it's hard to see a kid that you've been pulling and rooting for give up. As my day ended I was reflecting on this and other failures when God's still, small voice came under my thoughts: You did not fail. I've only asked you to love them for as long as they are in your life. It's not up to you to save them.

This reminded me of something a wise friend said to me last year: You worry about your students because you do not trust that God holds them in the palm of his hand.

It's so hard for me to hold people in my hands loosely. To praise God for the time I have with them, and to be willing to give them up when God brings them elsewhere. It's something that God has been encouraging me in for years, and that I think he will be for years to come.

"What is possible is to open your hands without fear, so that the One who loves you can blow your sins away. Then the coins you considered indispensable for your life prove to be little more than light dust which a soft breeze will whirl away, leaving only a grin or a chuckle behind." - Nouwen

Excerpt from "Create Dangerously"

2010-10-19T14:21:00.001-04:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/10/books/review/excerpt-create-dangerously.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&sq=oedipus%20rex&st=cse&scp=3